As we come to another year’s end, I’ve started looking over my year evaluating how I thought things would turn out while having grace for how it has turned out. 2022 like 2021 has gone surprisingly different than I had expected. In November I resigned from my job (I mean Nov 22), before that I took a lengthy leave of absence from work, dealt with some scary health issues while dealing with the effects of living alone and being a single black woman whew child it’s been ghetto. However, 2022 taught me that I was still struggling, though I’d managed years prior to pull myself out of financial struggle, I seemingly traded that in for another type of struggle. Managing aging parents, the void year (aka pre vaccine covid), disillusionment of relationships and pure burn out. “Child I’s spent!” as the aunties say. Burn out was the struggle I didn’t know I was fighting against until it took me out!
Sadly and probably stupidly I’ve found pride in how much I could take – the ever unwavering black woman strength! Considering that’s all I’ve known. The women in my family indoctrinated me early, they shared the belief system that “we have to be strong” because my mother was that way. But as I watch my mother deal with time and age, she’s a shinning example that bearing the weight of the world is fucking exhausting! Life has been whipping my ass for years but I’ve just kept pushing, like Dori I kept swimming, swimming right into the next obstacle, doing so with ease and blinder’s on at the same time.
All this time I thought I was doing just fine, well…thought I was fine before June. The last week of June 2022 is when the bottom fell out. My family had tremendous loss and my father ended up in the hospital after being found unresponsive in a Starbucks parking lot. I called my boss and said I would be out and never came back. Between June and November shit got crazy emotionally for me, during that time it felt like my body just decided to give out. In the months of July – September I felt like I was on a never ending emotional rollercoaster, up one day down the next. Found myself spending days in my bed, barely eating much less going outside. It had gotten so bad that I developed what my therapist deemed situational agoraphobia. Thankfully I’ve moved past that stage but good gracious that period was rough.
Wrapping up 2022, I’ve resigned from that strong black woman trope! I am a soft delicate flower and deserve to be treated as such. I’m taking breaks when I feel tired and I’m learning to listen to the small cues my body sends me. After spending some much time ignoring those cues, it’s taken me some time to recognize them and act accordingly. I’ll say this, I’m hopeful that the long break I took over the last six months has succeeded in creating permanent change for me going forward.
How has your 2022 been? What new things have you learned about yourself? And what are you looking forward to in 2023?
Dehjai
Wrapping Up 2022…
